Secrets Marriage Counselors Want to Share With You

Saving your marriage is no easy trick. With the divorce rate increasing each year one must wonder how the institution of marriage has survived this long. Marriage problems can surface immediately after the wedding or can become evident many years later.

No matter when problems rear their ugly head in a marriage steps must be taken as soon as possible to rectify the situation or resign yourself to defeat. There are many ways to mend a troubled marriage including counseling. Many couples fail to seek counseling soon enough as their problems get more serious and more difficult to resolve.

Marriage counseling is relatively new, as most counseling goes, being around for about 50 years, give or take a decade. At first, it was not a popular method of treatment with macho husbands saying if our marriage has problems we can solve them ourselves. And, sometimes this is true.

More often than not couples need guidance to see themselves as they really are and not how they think they are. Marriage counseling has been viewed as having real value only for the last twenty years or so.

It’s hard to pinpoint the exact time of recognized value because counseling is not for everyone and counselors realize that. They also realize that a counselor who has helped one marriage may not be able to help another. Find one you’re comfortable with.

Counseling is more effective when the couple is committed to resolving their problems and is sincere in seeking help. Counselors teach acceptance and this means accepting and respecting your spouse’s views and habits even though you may not agree and find certain habits annoying. Remember, you’re merging two different lives in a marriage and your goal is to emerge as one, stronger yet malleable.

Counselors want you to communicate. It’s not unusual for one person in a marriage to be talkative and expressive while the other is detached and unable to express their feelings. It’s obvious both are suffering pain even though one appears to be doing all the suffering because they express themselves and how they’re feeling and how they hurt.

It’s the counselor’s job to find the reason for the pain and to replace it with love. Seems simple, huh? Well, you obviously loved your spouse before the marriage and more than likely it’s still there sulking somewhere beneath the pain. Counselors enable the couple to once again grasp that love which will heal the pain.

Relax. It’s good if you can relax together but don’t wait for your spouse to begin relaxation techniques which can be learned and taught to the other. Relaxation makes communication easier both with the counselor and your spouse. It’s difficult to achieve self understanding when you’re uptight. When you strive for inner calm, your attitude improves and so will your marriage.

Your marriage can be saved if you strive for acceptance, communication and relaxation. It takes practice and devotion. You can achieve these things on your own but a marriage counselor can sometimes speed the process.

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Second Marriage Woes and How You Can Overcome Them

As you ended your first marriage, finding another true love and getting married was probably the last thing on your mind. But, time heals most wounds and you feel your broken heart beating again especially when a certain person comes around. You’ve gone through the obligatory mourning period and being alone and experiencing newfound freedom is not as good as purported.

Are you ready for another marriage? Ultimately, you must make that decision but search your inner self first with a lot of probing questions. Review your past performance and be brutally honest. Whose fault was the downfall anyway? What really went wrong? How could I have been a better spouse? Can I prevent these things from happening again?

Don’t rush into another relationship too soon. Enjoy your freedom and take the time to adjust. It’s not easy being along again. The silence can be deafening. Don’t tie yourself down again just because you’re lonely.

Second marriages, much like the first, can be very challenging. Don’t think just because you now have on the job experience that the second time around will be easier. That’s not to say it won’t either but it will take effort.

Know that in a second marriage you’re not just marrying the person but all that person has become and what comes with that person, like baggage. Has your new partner completely severed ties with the former spouse? If children are involved this is doubtful. If you accept your new love you must accept their children. Are you ready to be a stepparent?

Will your new partner come with a boatload of debt and unpaid bills? Finances can be a problem and it’s well to determine from the beginning who will pay for what. You might want to let your bank accounts marry too and avoid separate spending accounts. These sometimes lead to secretive behavior.

A prenuptial agreement may be in order to protect your savings and your children. If you have children and you precede your new spouse in death, your children could be left with nothing if proper legal arrangements haven’t been made. At the very least have a will.

Okay, you’ve made your decision and are ready to take the plunge again; so what do you do now? As in all marriages, communicate. Talk things over. Share your feelings. Don’t try to do things in the new marriage just because it worked in the old one. You are now creating new methods and new memories.

Start a new photo album and store the old one in a closet and out of sight. Don’t give a reason for your new spouse to be jealous. Start new traditions of things you do together such as taking a walk after dinner or going out to your favorite restaurant on a certain night.

Choose things together, decorate together, cook together. Continue to be romantic. Know what each other expects and hold on to a positive attitude and expect the best. A second marriage could be the best years of your life.

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Saving Your Marriage for the Right Reasons

Saving Your Marriage for the Right Reasons
So you think you want a divorce? Maybe you do and maybe you should. Not all marriages are right and not all marriages can or should be saved. Just be sure you’re doing the right thing and are aware of all the consequences of a severed relationship.

Certainly dangerous and abusive marriages should not be saved if they’re beyond hope.
If your spouse has been unfaithful it would be hard to forget and forgive especially if it’s happened more than once. Spouse’s who’ve been convicted of a criminal act and sent to jail or prison is a valid reason to seek a divorce.

As you can see these charges are serious but even these reasons can be resolved and a marriage can be saved if both parties want to work it out and are sincere in their efforts.
You once loved your spouse.

Has this changed? Can you accept the fear that the next marriage may be worst than the first? It’s not easy starting the dating game again especially if you’re older and there are children involved.

Divorce causes so much loss. A divorce robs you of time with your children and in most cases time with your family and friends. Friends will likely be choosing only one of you so you may lose friends completely. You’ll lose money and property when the settlement divides everything in half.

All the good things you remember about your marriage will become only a memory. You may also forfeit your security and self esteem. It’s very selfish to believe that only you will suffer loss. Other people lose too when their friends and family get a divorce.

Maybe you should try to save and improve your marriage. At least decide if you’re considering a divorce for the right reasons. Sure, you’re entitled to your feelings and opinions but when you stop to objectively assess the situation, your interpretation may be wrong. A lot of misconceptions can be made when you’re angry.

Many couples seek a divorce because one or the other is too demanding. One could require more sex and attention than the other and you’re tired of giving in. One out of five marriages today is existing without intimacy. This is a serious but not irresolvable problem. A good marriage counselor could help.

Husbands and wives sometimes let themselves go to the point neither is attractive anymore and would rather leave their spouse than do something about it. It’s easy to let the pounds accumulate and maybe you don’t fix up nice anymore. Start an exercise class together, get spruced up at least one night a week and take your spouse on a date.

Money can always be a problem when one spends too much money, sometimes secretly, and can’t let the spouse know. Divorce seems to be the easy way out. Sit down and communicate. Solve your money matters together. With your spending habits improved you’ll save more than your marriage.

After thorough examination, if you determine you’re seeking a divorce for all the right reasons, go ahead. On the other hand, maybe the reasons with a little love and dedication can be resolved and your marriage saved.

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Saving Marriage Rules You Need to Abide By

 

Marriage, like most everything you get involved in, should come with a set of rules. How can you be expected to play the game if you don’t know the rules? Marriage is much more important than any game and somehow husbands and wives are thrown on to the playing field and told to play with no experience and no rules.

Most learn by doing and some learn more quickly than others. Some decide they don’t like the game at all and pick up their marbles and go home. Others continue to play the game even though they don’t like it and aren’t having any fun at all. They dutifully roll the dice hoping the right numbers will come up and the game will get better.

Perhaps it would be good if when you picked up your marriage license you also were given a sheet of rules that outlined how to play the game of marriage. It would be required that both parties read and understand the rules together and affix their signatures at the bottom acknowledging they will abide by the aforesaid rules.

All games have goals with instructions on what you need to do to win. The goal of any marriage should be to remain together forever while building a wonderful life for you, your spouse and your family. Family means the two new families and the new one to come. As long as you stay together, problems can be solved and anything is possible to achieve.

Other rules of marriage could include being tolerant. It’s easy to see the good in someone as long as they’re doing what you like; but also strive to be tolerant of the things that annoy you and see them as not character flaws but unique personality traits. Love the flaws as well as the qualities.

Be a space giver. This means not only having separate closets but give each other needed private time. Constantly being with someone you love but are learning to know is not easy. This goes for not only at home but with friends as well. By the way, as far as the space in the closets is concerned, keep yours clean.

Travel together and make memories. It’s hard to find time to take a trip in a busy marriage but do it. A change of scenery does wonders for rekindling the spark that may be fading. And memories can be the glue that keeps you stuck together while other worldly pressures may be pulling you apart.

Don’t argue but compare opinions. Okay, no doubt arguments will arise in any marriage but be considerate of the other’s opinion. If the argument gets heated and the hour is late it may be best to go to bed and sleep on it.

An old saying advises you to never go to bed angry but things usually look better in the morning. Never give an ultimatum unless you want it to be taken. Pay attention to your spouse’s likes and dislikes and arguments will be fewer.

Rules can change but people rarely will. The only person who can change is you. And, the person who changes is often the winner. A happy marriage takes time and you’ve got the rest of your life together.

 

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Save Your Relationship Before It’s Too Late!

Maintaining a good relationship takes work and since it’s difficult to have a relationship alone that means it takes work together. Relationship means having an association, a connection and a rapport. If you have an association with your spouse or significant other then to make it desirable you must make a good connection and develop a rapport.

Most relationships start off strong, filled with love and devotion. Sometimes slowly, sometimes suddenly, the love and devotion are gone and you’re left bewildered. You rationalize that you did nothing wrong and fail to take any responsibility. Or, you may blame yourself totally and view the situation as hopeless. There are too many obstacles to overcome, too many hurts to heal, so you give up.

Wait! It’s never too late to salvage a relationship if both parties are willing to work together as a team. You’ll want to work together for a rebuilding of your relationship if your love is real. False love crumbles at the first sign of trouble. True love is willing to climb mountains and swim vast oceans for the person you love. Which one describes your relationship?

If you decide your love is real and the relationship is worth saving determine what you expect from each other and where the relationship has been and where it’s heading. Has you situation so far been meaningful with plans for the future or do you live from day to day and pretend you’re on a high school date?

You must recognize the existing problems and get them in the open. Usually, both are to blame for not fulfilling each other’s needs. You might discover you never knew what those needs were because you fail to share. Sharing is bonding. In order to share you must communicate and learn about each other’s feelings and needs. Both of you could be hurting and the other not know.

Neither of you may be to blame. This is why communication and sharing are so important in a relationship. As you disclose your feelings be rational, reasonable and calm. No one wins an argument or a discussion by getting angry.

You are two different people with different views and perspectives. Likely there is no right or wrong here, just differences. Being different doesn’t mean you’re incompatible. The differences could be what brought you together in the first place.

Respect those differences and find common ground. Show an interest in your partner’s interests. Find some time to get involved in their work or their hobbies and experience it together. You may find you like it and want to continue.

Talk about what’s right in addition to what’s wrong. Don’t harbor resentment and guilt over emotional baggage of the past. If your spouse has done something you think you can’t forgive, just know someone will and take right up where you let the good thing go. Forgive and forget. Go slowly and agree to give it time. Some time alone may be in order. Your relationship can be saved unless you give up.

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Save My Marriage

Save my marriage is a cry of despair heard so often in so many marriages everywhere. The cry is heard from both husbands and wives who entered into the relationship with great expectations of happiness and fulfillment. Too often the ship of matrimony was launched in troubled waters and began sinking soon after sailing.

But, you’re determined to save your marriage and screaming for help from a rickety lifeboat of broken dreams and promises. It’s hard to admit to a marriage gone bad and find yourself in a state of denial. No one wants to admit failure. You cling to any hope that some one or some thing may rescue a dying love.

There are no magic words that can miraculously heal a failing marriage but sometimes they can steer you in the right direction to accept reality. It’s certainly more difficult, if not impossible, if only one person in the relationship wants it to be saved. Both parties need to make an effort to recapture the old feeling and strive for healing.

Marriages are easier to save when repair begins early although many say they were not even aware anything was wrong. Couples get too busy or wrapped up in their personal needs to watch for tell-tell signs of a down hill slide.

Signs could include the spouse beginning to refer to “me” rather than “we.” When one spouse becomes only interested in what is good for them then the desire to continue in a relationship is fading. Lack of affection is another sign the spouse is losing interest as is staying away from home for any reason, however lame.

Refusing to go to counseling is another sign of a marriage gone or going south. Both must work together for a marriage to succeed. Both must willingly accept counseling for it to work and mend. If a partner won’t discuss problems with you, it’s likely they won’t open up to a counselor either.

You overlook the small and petty things that may annoy you when you’re in love and the marriage is on steady ground. If criticism becomes a common conversation, bad news is on the way. Values and commitments change but love and respect should remain constant.

Marriages have been saved by change even on the part of only one spouse. If you sincerely want to save your marriage, you must be willing to concede, no matter who is right or wrong.

When one changes, it brings on a change in the other. You need joy in your life and you won’t find it by being angry and brooding just because you know you’re right. Forgive and be forgiven. Change and be changed.

It’s possible a marriage is over and you must accept the fact and move on for the sake of yourself and your family. But, if you’re determined to make it work, seek help from counselors, clergy, family and friends. Be flexible and creative. Concentrate on what might work instead of proving you’re right. A marriage saved is worth it.

 

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Save Marriage Advice That Goes Against the Grain

If you want advice on how to save your marriage all you have to do is ask. However, sometimes you don’t like what you hear and some of the suggested alternatives to a troubled marriage seem ridiculous. Some really go against the grain.

But wait, you must admit there are things you should and shouldn’t do if you’re to keep your marriage viable. Of course, you’re advised to say I love you often and do little things that exhibit your love. You also know to communicate and be kind hearted and compassionate.

A harsh word however, can cut deeply and once it’s out there it’s almost impossible to take it back or make it right. A hurt feeling has a way of lingering when caused by someone you love. The old saying, “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me,” may not be true.

If a wife asked if a dress makes her look fat, what would a wise husband say? The wrong thing said whether in private or in public is a sure way to harm a marriage or any relationship.

The list of things not to say is too long to mention them all but a few of the ones to be avoided include: I told you so, you never listen to me, I can’t believe you said that, all you do is watch TV, you’re a failure and your check won’t even cover the bills.

Other harsh words can destroy a person’s self esteem such as, I hate your clothes, you are so dumb, your hair is awful, you don’t understand me or love me, and perhaps the worst of all is, why did I marry you. Hold your tongue and you’ll hold your marriage.

A piece of old advice is never go to bed while angry. This has come under fire at times contending that maybe it’s not so bad to go to bed angry. It gives you time to sleep and clear you mind and view the problem for a fresh perspective the next morning. Or, you could continue to fight naked before retiring. You may have trouble remembering why you were angry.

A new twist on never going to bed angry is for the spouse to tell something they admire about the other or something they are grateful for that happened to them during the day.
This will put you in a better mood and sometimes vanquish the anger. You may not like your spouse all the time but you should love them all the time.

Avoid the romantic rut and never take each other for granted. Compliment more than you criticize. Yes, you can find things to compliment if you search. Never assume your spouse did wrong or made a mistake.

Never compare your marriage or your spouse’s shortcomings especially in front of others. Give each other privacy when needed and share all things including housework and money. Never threaten each other with the “D” word and probably it will never happen.

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Save a Marriage and Receive Health Benefits

A happy marriage can bring many good things into your life for both husbands and wives. It means the merging of two families into one and the blessing of children. Married couples usually amass more wealth, earn a higher income and live in a more expensive home. It seems when you’re married you’re better educated too.

But, there’s one benefit of a happy marriage you may not have expected and that’s better health, both physical and emotional. So remember to choose your companion wisely because it could be beneficial (or harmful) to your health. Strange as it may seem, those couples who only live together don’t share the same health benefits. Too, a bad and unhappy marriage can adversely affect your health.

A study from the Center for Disease Control revealed that married couples are healthier than divorced, widowed, never married, or those who cohabitate. But, choose someone you’re happy with to enjoy these benefits because an unhappy marriage can result in just the opposite for health benefits. The healthy process can reverse itself if you lose a spouse due to death or divorce or if the marriage turns bad.

Marital health benefits include not only a longer life but a healthier one. You’ll suffer less from illness and heart disease and stroke. Your immune system is stronger and you’re less likely to catch the flu bug or a cold. You spend less time in a hospital and if you are admitted you’ll recover faster.

Happy couples have less change of developing diabetes. This is probably the result of a good diet and plenty of rest and exercise. Alcoholism and smoking rates are lower too. This is attributed to receiving more understanding and support to correct the problem and also getting help with daily pressures.

Depression rates drop for happily married couples resulting from less stress and anxiety.
With less stress and anxiety you’re more alert and able to avoid accidents and injuries.
You’re less likely to feel lonely because you have someone to share problems with and seek solutions together. You no longer feel alone.

To obtain the maximum health benefits from marriage there are certain things you can do to help. Compliment each other and communicate. A family who talks out problems knocks out problems. Never make the spouse feel rejected or unimportant. They were the most important person in your life before marriage. Make sure than never changes.

Say I love you often and you’ll be healthier for it both emotionally and physically. Those three little words can work wonders toward making your spouse feel wanted and needed. Don’t just say the words but also show your love with thoughtful gestures such as love notes in the lunchbox or a soft touch on the arm as you walk past.

There is one drawback to a happy marriage: the husband and wife both tend to gain weight. This is a result of good food and being happy and content. Be aware of this and make sure your diet is healthy and exercise daily. It’s worth it to enjoy a happy healthful marriage.

 

 

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Romantic Relationships Build a Better Marriage

Before you were married, if you had to choose between a romantic relationship and one that was dull and boring, which one would you choose? One of the reasons you chose your spouse was that he or she was romantic, full of life and passion. A passionate romantic relationship was fun when you were single, so why couldn’t it still be today even though you’re a little older and married.

How would you describe your marriage? Have you kissed lately or held hands? You say you’ve more important things to do and worry about now, such as paying the bills and taking care of the children. Sure, those things are very important but so is making time, quality time, for each other. Many marriages have suffered, even to the point of divorce when it’s only filled with labor and not love.

Rediscover romance and rekindle the spark in your marriage. It can be done even though you’re both older and covered up with obligations at work and home. At first you might feel guilty and selfish by spending time alone just to be together and have fun, but the guilt will fade and you might fall in love all over again. And, when you have to go back to work you do it with a renewed spirit. Your coworkers may ask why you’re smiling for a change.

Begin with focusing on the positive. Remember the old song that went, “You’ve got to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative, don’t mess with Mr. In-between.”

Okay, you’re probably not that old – but listen to the message here. Nowadays, they just say think positively and that’s good too. But, make sure you stop seeing the negative side of your spouse and accent the positive qualities. They’re there if you look.

You don’t have to be newlyweds to experience romance and intimacy. Remember what you did when you were dating and do it again. You did sweet, thoughtful things while getting to know each other.

You exchanged gifts, took walks, dined in a romantic restaurant and probably quoted poetry. You may think you know everything about your partner and if that’s so, why aren’t they happy? Why aren’t you happy?

Getting older too often means getting serious…too serious. Act like a kid again. No, not all the time but once in a while do something silly together and laugh. Go to the park and push each other in a swing, jump rope, do a dance that was popular “back then.” You don’t have to do it long, but loosen up and give it a go. Likely you’ll both be laughing before you make it to a bench to sit down and rest.

Back home, give each other a massage. Start with the feet and see where it goes from there. The better you make someone else feel, the better you will feel. Next morning, fix breakfast and serve it in bed. Who knows where that will lead? Before you part for the day, slip a love note in a purse or pocket. You’ll know what to say.

Other things have probably come to mind that you want to try to bring back a little romance to your relationship. Do it! You don’t have to try all things in one day but at least get started and your marriage will be better for it.

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Relationship Tips for Couples in Need

If you’re involved in a relationship, whether married, dating or living together, you must know that there will be conflict and even fighting. Conflict is okay, fighting can turn to abusive and harmful. End all conflicts before fighting begins for the good of everyone.

When experiencing conflict in a relationship and trying to resolve problems you must decide whether you’re active or passive. Active means you’re taking the bull by the horns and initiate every effort to get the problems to the forefront and work on a solution.

If you’re passive, you’re more likely to take a stand and watch approach. You’re content to observe the situation almost as if it’s happening to someone else. You wait for your partner to take action while taken from one emotional feeling to another.

If you’re experiencing a bad relationship, realize that some are not worth saving if it’s become abusive, unfaithful, or criminal acts are involved. If this is the case, it might be best to admit you made a wrong choice in the relationship and it’s time to get out as soon as possible before further harm is done and more people are hurt.

When considering separation or divorce also consider what’s involved in the breakup. Can you hold up to the emotional trauma of leaving the one you once loved deeply, perhaps still do? Be ready to deal with the feelings of failure and inadequacy once you’re alone. Know the impact it will have on the children, if any, as well on family and even friends.

From a practical point of view you must also take into account the financial ramifications. Depending how long you’ve been in your relationship, you probably have accumulated a great amount of wealth and personal belongings which come attached with many memories. Can you afford to breakup and survive financially, emotionally and physically?

All problems can be solved. You just need to determine the right way to advance. Basically there are three ways to proceed. You can try to solve the problems yourself, seek help from family and friends or enlist professional aid.

By doing it yourself you can fine information and help on line, in books and in seminars and forums at churches and schools. Help from family and friends is probably the least effective as each will have their own subjective point of view which will only lead to your confusion.

It’s difficult for family and friends to be impartial and may encourage you to do the wrong thing because they want to agree with you and be supportive. The use of professionals might be the best bet as they’re trained to mend relationships and are completely unbiased and truthful.

If at all possible, sit down and talk with your partner and try to resolve the issues as a team. If both of you are resolved to mend the relationship you’re twice as likely to succeed. Ask what you both want in the relationship and what you’re willing to do to get it. Communicate about all problems large and small for a lasting relationship.

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